The power of forgiveness

It took me years to figure this one out; that forgiveness is not about condoning the act of the person at fault, but it is actually more about liberating yourself.

"To forgive and forget" many times doesn't go hand in hand. It is so easy to manipulate yourself when you decide to "forgive" someone. The word is on your lips but your heart says different. You fool yourself into believing that you've done the good deed but your mind itself can't stop replaying that particular painful scene over and over again.

You don't have to forget anything, nor do you have to pretend that any misdeed has never happened; you really don't have to live in denial.

It doesn't matter whether somebody deserves your forgiveness or not, forgive them anyway. Only through sincere forgiveness can you be at peace with yourself. If you keep on holding grudges, you establish an even stronger bond to those who hurt you and forgiveness is the only way to detach yourself from them.

Forgive people for your own sake. Hold no grudges against anyone. Release yourself from the vicious knot of anger. Save yourself.

Pretty little things in life

  

More freedom and less stuff. Truer words were never spoken. 

 
Freedom to just be yourself
Freedom to be the one to brake the chain of conformity.
Freedom to burn down your own facade  



When you take delight in the warm kisses of the sun
When you take pleasure in the caresses of the cool breeze on your skin
When you sense a rush of joy as you step on dried autumn leaves 
When all you need to hear is the sound of the loved ones' laughter
When you rejoice in witnessing the innocent smiles of the children 

When you stop questioning and start believing

When all you yearn for is God to return.


Doesn't matter how much you have on your bank account,
doesn't matter who you are,
you're already naked.

A walk down memory lane

old ass pic

After I grabbed everything I needed, I decided to check out the toy section in this local supermarket a few days ago. It was filled to the brim with pretty colors and I analyzed each toy carefully as I walked by. There was this box of Lego which strongly reminds me of the house that was made out of Lego that I constructed with mbak Rini. Man, I miss her and also the Lego. Mine was a two stories house, complete with 2 bedrooms and a living room. I don’t think we built a kitchen there though. And ah, I just remember that there were no toilets, but we did place a nice “glass” shower in our lego house. 

The next kinds of toys that I checked out were these action figures and also dinosaur miniatures. I ran my hand over them slowly, touching the toys lightly, feeling the textures of these toys with my senses. A rush of memories ran through my brain. The smell of the processed rubbers brought me back to the time when all that matter was keeping all the crayons neatly in the box. Ah, the good old time. 

One particular toy caught my attention. I saw this package of plastic doctor kit, where it contained fake medical tools such as colorful stethoscope, thermometer, syringe, bandages, and all the stuffs a little doctor wannabe needs. Playing doctor used to be my favorite game. I remember vividly being a 5 year old in Burma, where mom bought me this little doctor kit and I just couldn’t wait to get home to play it.  I tore the package open and sat down on the floor by the bed, wearing my favorite matching pink little  t-shirt and shorts. A woman squatted next to me; I think it was my aunt. She helped me put on the stethoscope, looked at me and smiled sweetly. She said something in Burmese or Kachin, I wasn’t sure. But then again, I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Though there is a language barrier between us, I trusted her enough because of the genuine smile she gave me. 

While I was examining the toys, reminiscing the good old times, there was this couple with children next to me, checking out the toys too. My eyes met the father’s gaze and he gave me this “what the hell, you’re too old for these stuffs” kind of look. And I felt awkward and left. I wandered around the store aimlessly for a minute or two and returned to the toy section to see if the family had left. They went already, and I proceeded to continue from where I left off. There was this piece of toy that I am very familiar with; a tiny baby stroller, complete with a doll of a bald baby girl in the package. I had a similar one when I was about 6.

Thirteen years ago, it was a windy Sunday afternoon in Hanoi, and mom, sister, and I were just from church. We went to the toy store and I remember seeing this shiny, plastic, little stroller and a cute, blonde, baby girl doll sitting in it. And just like that, it was love at first sight. I named the doll Suzan. The tiny stroller was red, matching Suzan’s pink little dress. I pushed the stroller out on the street for the first time, with Suzan bouncing on the seat. Man, I remember feeling like the happiest kid in town.

Childhood is the only period of time where you can live a carefree, happy life. The innocence a child has is priceless. The ability of being genuinely happy for the simplest thing in life is a blessing from God to this world. That’s what makes children so clean and immaculate. 

I wouldn’t hesitate to jump in a time capsule, if such a thing existed. Hell, I’d give everything; I’d give up my kidney, huge chunks of my liver, my bone marrow, literally anything to be able to experience such a simple innocent moment once again.

How easy is death?

Yeah, everything; the loved ones, the haters, the ones who don't give a shit, the happiness, and the pain, everything will evaporate in less than a second.

No one knows what goes through the mind of the man who decides to take his own life." He's a coward," they said; "he takes the easy way out," they said. If you're one of those people who say such a thing: Fuck.You.

Guess what?

The man is courageous. It's an adjective that perhaps you will never consider to describe a man who "takes the easy way out".  Do you know how much courage it takes to be able to do something as big as that? Yeah, it does take an awful lot of courage to undergo the physical pain, to let go of the good memories, to leave behind the loved ones. 

He puts everything on the line. He's fully clothed, yet his soul is completely naked; stripped off from the warmth of humanity that he aches so badly. Arms flailing wildly to get a grip on anything solid, but he could find none.

 Take out religion from the equation of life, and perhaps suicide won't lead him to hell. But no, he doesn't have the authority, nor does he have the last words. Whether God exists or not, we'll find out at the end. In the meantime, nobody knows what happen to the man who "takes the easy way out".

The man leaves behind a great deal of blessings, as well as curse; happiness and also pain. Maybe death wasn't his desire. Perhaps freedom was all he asks for. 

Stop judging people you have no idea about. Granted, he made a poor decision. But, no. He did NOT take the easy way out. If it was easy, could you imagine yourself doing it? If not, then who's the coward now?