Missing mom so bad, it hurts.

Unspoken words #2

My heart skipped a beat each time the sound of your vehicle approaches.
Excitement. Joy. Longing. all mixed into one gigantic bursts of innocent cheerfulness.
I would drag my little feet and went on to my usual hiding place; it was either the restroom or behind the dining table.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I'd attempt to curl up into a ball as tiny as possible, and expectantly waited for you to show up.
My ears picked up the familiar thumps of your shoes as you walked closer and searched for me.
And of course, you'd find me. And no matter how many times we played this little game, the surprised look on your face never failed to amuse me as a kid.
When you found me in my hiding spot, you'd act surprised and opened your arms to invite me in, picked me up and showered my cheeks with kisses, to which I almost always responded with a cringe because the stubble on your face bothered me.

You were the most intelligent person in my world. From science to politics, how in the world did you store up all those knowledge inside your head? Anyway, you were a living Encyclopedia who never ceased to fascinate me.

You remember that beautiful park around the lake in Hanoi? I will bring my kids there in the future; to the same spot we went to. And we will ride our bicycles or skate around the lake together. And we will also go out to eat crabs regularly and make plenty of visits to the bookstore.
My kids and I will do these things in the future to cherish and honor your existence.

There hasn't been a lot of memories, but maybe God made it this way so that the few memories that are left can easily stay on the back of my mind as if they just occurred yesterday.
Regardless, I miss you and this has been the hardest change, but I think I'm starting to come to terms with it.

Maybe we'll meet again somewhere, sometime.  And when it happens, make sure you pick me up with your arms because in spite of everything, I still want to feel your stubble on my cheek again.

Excitement in the air

Been wanting to make a post right at the beginning of the month, but for some inexplicable reasons, that didn't work out somewhat. I've been looking forward to this month because October had just been mean; injured my foot, sudden changes of plan, and midterm. The last 3 weeks were basically me pulling countless of all-nighters with the help of caffeine. Yea..cramming for test doesn't seem like a wise method but it somehow works for me. Despite all the stress, one thing I enjoyed the most about the midterm was when we were told to write about a country in Southeast Asia along with its political transformation; of course I wrote about Burma and had such a good time with it.

Anyway, I'm just glad that time is progressing, health is improving, and wound is healing. Funny how the day seems to be terribly slow but when you look back over your shoulder, everything seems to be different.

It's November already, and I have a mixed feelings that I can't really articulate into words. I think it is leaning towards excitement though. I'm actually having chemical reactions in my brain that one can safely refer to as something that is VERY close to happiness. Perhaps it's the Christmas vibe approaching or maybe it's the fact that my birthday is lurking around the corner. My attitude towards birthdays has always been quite nonchalant, but this time I can't seem to ignore the fact that I'd officially be two decades in just a few weeks. You hear me? Two freakin Decades. Man, that's pretty old if you ask me. And if you know me, you'd know the kind of ideas I have about growing old into "adulthood," which is something I don't quite look forward to. 

However, for some strange reasons, I don't feel that way at all. And perhaps it's the "new year" vibe, or the "it's holiday soon" vibe, I don't know. One thing for sure though, is that I'm damn excited about this. This may not be the right occasion to write about what's been happening for the last 10 months, but I'm just gonna reflect super briefly on it.

2013 has been one hell of a roller coaster ride; full of blessings that are disguised through pain, so many precious lessons that I've learned, not to mention the people I crossed paths with that made changes in my life. It has been a real challenge and a bittersweet experience.

The highlight of this year is definitely God finding me back. I was lost for so long, I rebelled against him for years. There's still an awful lot of things to work on, but I'm definitely coming out stronger than ever.

So excited about turning a new leaf and starting fresh. A few more posts and I think I'll be done with this little blog of sanctuary for good.

It's about time.

Rambling #3

I guess change is indeed inevitable, but the problem is whether it's for the best or for the worst. It doesn't matter how long a relationship lasts, for those who are committed to it, it's still gonna hurt when it ends. Whether it lasts for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, you gave that person a special spot in your heart for a particular period of time and had it truly meant something to you, it wouldn't be so easy to be removed from the back of your mind just like that.

Things end. And you saw that person again after a while. Surely things have changed, but to act as a stranger, when you see the very person you used to be closed with walks in front of you and acknowledges YOUR presence, is downright wrong. How heartless can a person be? especially when someone came into your life uninvited and forced himself in, but then took the shortest exit when things aren't looking up.

Things have indeed changed, but that doesn't mean you should be an asshole towards that person you used to be closed with.

It's funny and scary at the same time. This may sound a bit exaggerated, but this kind of changes is probably one of the worst human tragedies ever.

Hearts that felt, arms that embraced, lips that touched. And they all change into one big anatomy of
"I don't know who the hell you are anymore."

rambling#2

Hola, que tal? totally no bueno at the moment. It's one of those moments when nothing feels right. perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I have an awful lot of assignments to finish. yeah right, that's not something new. so why does this shitty feeling decide to show up uninvited and stay? maybe my period is approaching? nah, fuck it, I'm not one of those people who gets all drama-queen about a God-given natural cycle that no human can do nothing about. shit, I digress and this post has no point at all.

anyway, here's what's been bothering me. I know that life has a funny working method that no one can completely fathom, but the longer I live, the more I realize how freaking CRAZY it actually is. It just hit me yesterday. Got a really bad bad news from a best friend of mine. Something completely unexpected happened to her and now her whole life has been altered because of this one particular occurrence. Yes, life is unfair, but this is downright unfair. My heart aches for her so badly and the fact that there is literally nothing can be done to fix her problem really kills me. Yes, sometimes, the only way for us to learn valuable life lessons is by getting through an unpleasant experience. Yes, sometimes, getting through a painful phase of life is necessary for our own sake of spiritual maturity. And yes, nothing is accidental, everything happens for a reason. But is it possible that an unpleasant experience is just so awful that it becomes unbearable to the person who has to walk through it? I guess that's how we get thousands of suicides cases every year. And after a person gives up and decides to take his/her own life, whose fault is it now? Blame it on life? blame it on God? Blame it on the kid who hanged himself dead for wanting the pain to end? I have always hated those people who view suicide as an act of cowardice because it is not. Put your feet in that person's shoes, walk a mile or two, then tell me if you feel any pain, then you can judge.

My point is that some of the challenges life throws at us can be too hard. You make one mistake and bam! there's absolutely no going back. You gotta pay the price, and in some cases a very expensive price. I pray that she'll make it, and I hope this whole thing will turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

Self Monologue of Love

Pain, it's real and it ain't no joke

It hampers the neural pathways, causing the streams of blood to clot

It suffocates the chest, extinguishes anguish, and pushes out the spirit

But hey, the demon finally finds the exit,
leaving behind a beautifully messed up room within

You know, that one last pain has made it come full circle,
bringing the soul towards a complete immersion in the grace from above

If that pain is gonna breed its malicious little spawns in this room
then bring it the fuck on, I'll face them with their ancestor's power

But here's the twist

That particular pain's little spawns turn out to be this unreasonable non-sense we called love

So the pain gives birth to love? How's that even possible?

"It is all part of the master plan from the Man above," whispers the conscience

Okay, now what am I supposed to do with this love? How does this thing even work?

Conscience replies, "Since you're still a novice in this, the love you have received is in the form of seeds. Let them be and let them grow. As they grow, don't forget to take good care of them. Water these seeds of love with forgiveness; forgive yourself of your past mistakes and forgive others who have wronged you. Fertilize the seeds with honesty; do not be afraid of vulnerability. Also make sure you give these seeds the vitamin of humility. Let them bear fruits, so the Man above can pick them up when the harvest season arrives and He will rewards you with a life of eternal peace."

It's surprising how God can transform something so bitter to be the sweetest gift. Take care of the heart and the soul, never lose faith no matter how cruel a situation is. Keep the chin up, and focus the eyes towards the sky; always give the best effort but do not drain the energy by dwelling on the worldly affair.

Hang in there; take baby steps, one day at a time.  

Rambling

So who doesn't love Apfelstrudel? *raises hand* ha. It's not so bad, but I definitely prefer the delicate moist of a thin slice of Sachertorte to the sourness...and sometimes mushy baked apples.
What about a thick slice of tasty Leberkaese with its oozing cheese, sandwiched between a sliced Semmel bun? Dang, just the thought of it makes my mouth waters.

I just watched Ishai Golan, the host of Street Food Around the World, traveled to one of the most fascinating city in the whole effing world, beautiful Vienna! And it was Christmas time, and the street lights were brightly colored, and the wonderful buildings, and the City Hall, and the cute little Christmas markets, and literally everything that can only be described using adjectives that are synonymous with "magnificent"; all exist in this small town in central europe. 

Man, there are just plenty of things that I miss about this city. The serenity of life is one thing I miss the most. It's beautiful and it brings you closer to nature. Tranquility is certainly the drug that we all desperately need. Not that fancy car, or the numbers in your bank account, or that high-ass "respected" position in the corporate ladder, and not even other people's approval. No, we don't need those.

A peaceful mind and a hatred-less heart, these are the things that we really should strive for.

The side that heals

Do you know how powerful a mere smile is?
A smile that is so genuine, you can see pieces of past memories through the person's eyes

Or a hug from the person that you thought have lost?
When you feel the arms embracing you, causing you to feel nothing but warmth.

Maybe, they are not lost after all. Perhaps parts of them that you used to know so well are indeed still very much alive.

Something that is shattered beyond repair has transformed into something else; a precious life lesson.

Things will never be the same again, but I guess now I can rest with a peace of mind, knowing that you still have your human side within you.

The universe surely works in the most bizarre way. What seems complex may actually be very simple.

Who knows that the life-long wound can in fact be easily healed with a genuine smile and a comforting hug?

The human side of you, worth more than any superficial aspects.

Here's something funny about the human side of a person. A person's human side cannot be noticed through first impressions. You really gotta get to know the person in order to notice this particular side. It doesn't matter where you're from, what color you are, or the kind of  social status you have; our sense of humanity is the only thing that can bind us together in the most spiritual level.

It's refreshing to know that under all those layers of changes, there is still a thin layer of the real you.

Epiphany, my friend.

Never underestimate the power of negativity. It has all the potential to bring you down and keep you at rock bottom for as long as it takes to destroy you.

I don't know how it happens, but life surely works in the most magical way. Been putting on the wrong glasses and now thank God, I'm getting new lenses and starting to perceive the world clearer.  

The thing is, it is a mad mad world we're living in.

It can be so small, that it renders you imprison.

It can be so large, your eyes can never be satisfied to feast upon the beauty this world possesses.

Blessed are those who have found themselves and witnessed the beauty of the world in the midst of its brokenness.

So many places to see, einfach so viele schoene Erlebnisse zu geniessen.

I've had enough rest, time to get back to work.

Unspoken words #1

You're probably one of the most annoying person in my world, yet you're also one of the most important soul to me. You've been there since my very beginning, though I'm not sure if I should thank you for it because to be honest, I don't really want to begin anything in the first place. But here I am, and there you are. God put me in this world and crossed our paths. It's not easy at all to be related to you. It's emotionally consuming. Yes, you heard me. It's not easy. It's getting harder each day, but at the same time something positively odd is growing out of this.

Having to play the role as a rock for you to lean on is killing me, yet I am fully aware of the fact that this role turns me to be a thousand times stronger each day. I grow in your pain; and your streams of tears awake the sense of independence within me. And this sense of independence is unfortunately too strong, to the point where I'm often oblivious to the existence of the good-hearted people around me.

You can often be destructive, but along the way I've developed my own defense-mechanism of coping. It's neither your fault, nor mine. I love you to the bones despite of everything; I can accept your weakness and love you for the person that you are. I may not always be able to verbally offer you the emotional support or cry with you like I used to, but mark my words, I'll be there with you through thick and thin. Your pain is mine as well and I'd be glad to lend my shoulder for you to lean on, and my lap for you to rest. When the devil strikes again, we don't have to say a word; we can just sit in silence while we wait for the storm to pass.

I'm not sure if you've done more damage than good to me. The 13-year-old-me would definitely say that more destruction rather than good has been done. Meanwhile, the 19-year-old-me would probably say the opposite because she is more than old enough to understand what you've been going through all this time. 

You taught me many things and I am thankful for the values you've passed down to me. You deserve sunshine and all the happiness in the world.

Dear Auntie,


Was at church today and I kept on thinking about you. I miss you and would love to be able to see you again. How are you doing? Stupid of me to ask, I guess. You're doing good. I know you're doing good. Because you're no longer in pain and you're living in peace with God.

I'm glad I went to that trip 3 years ago. I skipped a week of school for that, but I didn't regret it at all. That was the last time I saw you. That was the last time I felt your arms around me and the last time I felt your warm lips on my cheek.

You showed me love and I am forever thankful for you.

You left this messed up life and the world still weeps with sorrow for losing you.

I don't even know why I'm writing this; it's not that you can actually read this. I guess, this letter is just helping me to get this feeling out of my system.

Nevertheless, I miss you and I'm just glad that heaven must be treating you well.

With much love,

Diana

Lesson learned #1

I was watching Departure the other day and I learned something so profound about forgiveness. Let’s just say that one particular scene has definitely succeeded to restore my faith back in humanity. The episode was on Rwanda; Scott and Justin were exploring the country’s darkest secret. Well, it’s not really a secret… it is perhaps more of a past; a history as well as a tragedy.  The hosts travelled to a spot where more than 5000 Tutsis once sought refuge. It was a rundown building, very tiny, and is now filled with the skeletons of the Tutsis. Their skeletons are stacked neatly next to each other, and their leftovers garments are hung together. These refugees were slaughtered brutally by the Hutus.

It was a conflict against two different ethnicities and in this case, the Hutus were determined to eliminate the Tutsis.  It happened throughout the country for 100 days and the estimated death toll ranges around a million. While countless of innocence blood was spilled, the world turned a blind eye upon it. The UN was oblivious and Bill Clinton who was the US president at the time even apologized for not intervening. 

Well, that’s just a brief description of the genocide that occurred in Rwanda; and now let’s go back to the point of this writing.

As the hosts arrived at the refuge and witnessed the countless of human bones neatly stacked against each other, they were told that out of the 5000 Tutsis who came and seek refuge under the rundown building, only 8 people survived. And one of the survivors still lives in the area, and they decided to bring her in. A woman. A middle aged woman, who said that she witnessed the killing of her children. She then proceeded to explain how she managed to hide under the slaughtered corpses to avoid being seen by the Hutus. She told her story boldly and with a sense of calm as if such horrendous atrocity had never happened to her. She was so self-composed, her voice was firm, and her eyes radiated peacefulness. After the genocide was over, one of the Hutus who committed the crime returned to the area of the refuge building and apologized to the survivors. And this woman FORGIVES him. She forgives him for taking the lives of her people, and most importantly she forgives him for taking away the most precious souls in her life, her children! 

I cannot, by any means, comprehend how she managed to forgive such a crime. One thing I’m sure of is that this woman has a heart which has the capacity to love like no other hearts can. Now I understand why she appears so calm and peaceful. 

She has let go. She forgives and moves on. 

Sounds so simple, yet it is by no means practical. Not everyone can do that. Hell, I still struggle intensely to forgive those who have done me wrong. If I were in that woman’s shoes, I would be rotting with bitterness, anger, and an intense desire to seek revenge. I could imagine myself being in a constant state of pain as a result of keeping such negative emotions within me. What a miserable life it would be!

This leads me to the point of realization that holding grudges does not only get you nowhere, but it also brings you to a whole new level of suffering which will increase your pain as time goes by. Forgiveness is a path to attain freedom; it is not practical, therefore it is something that needs to be practiced daily by reminding yourself often on the importance of acquiring inner peace.

Forgive and move on. It is your only way out.

Restored by GOD

Things have been going great these days...spiritually. And it is all that matters anyway. I feel sort of renewed, revived by a higher power that works within me. The thing is that it happens out of nowhere. And none of the people around me contribute to this superb change inside me; not my parents, sibling, friends, or bf.  It sort of just...happens. One thing straight though, it occurs once I decided to trust God completely; handing Him my life, letting Him complete me. I've had a deep longing for God since months;  I yearned for Him. I wanted to be able to feel His presence within my heart, but I just couldn't bring myself to sense Him. And then I just let go; resolving to put my trust no matter what. Accepting. Surrendering. Leaving behind the questions that start off with the word "why?".

And man, it feels good. So good.

I feel like a huge burden is just lifted off my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. Having a relationship with God should definitely be on anyone's priority list. It brings you an inner peace which existence is unfathomable even to the greatest minds.

Love Him, that's all you need to do.

Free at last

 

Hoorayy!! It's gonna be a different tone with this one. No rule, no structure, nothing; just words fresh from the brain flying straight through my fingers on the keyboard. I'm done. Yes, you heard me right, I'm.fuckin.done. I finally got my shit together and am ready to take over the world! :p

After years of questioning, I finally received an answer. Not really sure how it all happened, but it was definitely an epiphany. I don't know why it took this long to figure out; nevertheless, I'm perfectly content and that's all that matters. The years have been quite tough, especially this last few weeks, but this last few weeks turn out to be all that is required to finally come full circle with the devil within me.

I've finally made peace with the Man above. And it feels so good (absolutely beyond anything) to be reconnected with Him after so long. I feel like a lost sheep being found by its shepherd. To feel your soul flickers with life is indescribable. Knowing that I have an undefeated security system, simply by resting my heart in God, is a wonderful source of peace of mind. 

There's still gonna be more challenges, more roller coaster rides, and more mystery to solve; however, as long as you're at peace spiritually, you become automatically unbeatable. You may not be in control of your body because of the disease you suffer, but you're in full power when it comes to your mind.

Until now, I can safely say that I won the battle

I'm finally home.

The power of forgiveness

It took me years to figure this one out; that forgiveness is not about condoning the act of the person at fault, but it is actually more about liberating yourself.

"To forgive and forget" many times doesn't go hand in hand. It is so easy to manipulate yourself when you decide to "forgive" someone. The word is on your lips but your heart says different. You fool yourself into believing that you've done the good deed but your mind itself can't stop replaying that particular painful scene over and over again.

You don't have to forget anything, nor do you have to pretend that any misdeed has never happened; you really don't have to live in denial.

It doesn't matter whether somebody deserves your forgiveness or not, forgive them anyway. Only through sincere forgiveness can you be at peace with yourself. If you keep on holding grudges, you establish an even stronger bond to those who hurt you and forgiveness is the only way to detach yourself from them.

Forgive people for your own sake. Hold no grudges against anyone. Release yourself from the vicious knot of anger. Save yourself.

Pretty little things in life

  

More freedom and less stuff. Truer words were never spoken. 

 
Freedom to just be yourself
Freedom to be the one to brake the chain of conformity.
Freedom to burn down your own facade  



When you take delight in the warm kisses of the sun
When you take pleasure in the caresses of the cool breeze on your skin
When you sense a rush of joy as you step on dried autumn leaves 
When all you need to hear is the sound of the loved ones' laughter
When you rejoice in witnessing the innocent smiles of the children 

When you stop questioning and start believing

When all you yearn for is God to return.


Doesn't matter how much you have on your bank account,
doesn't matter who you are,
you're already naked.

A walk down memory lane

old ass pic

After I grabbed everything I needed, I decided to check out the toy section in this local supermarket a few days ago. It was filled to the brim with pretty colors and I analyzed each toy carefully as I walked by. There was this box of Lego which strongly reminds me of the house that was made out of Lego that I constructed with mbak Rini. Man, I miss her and also the Lego. Mine was a two stories house, complete with 2 bedrooms and a living room. I don’t think we built a kitchen there though. And ah, I just remember that there were no toilets, but we did place a nice “glass” shower in our lego house. 

The next kinds of toys that I checked out were these action figures and also dinosaur miniatures. I ran my hand over them slowly, touching the toys lightly, feeling the textures of these toys with my senses. A rush of memories ran through my brain. The smell of the processed rubbers brought me back to the time when all that matter was keeping all the crayons neatly in the box. Ah, the good old time. 

One particular toy caught my attention. I saw this package of plastic doctor kit, where it contained fake medical tools such as colorful stethoscope, thermometer, syringe, bandages, and all the stuffs a little doctor wannabe needs. Playing doctor used to be my favorite game. I remember vividly being a 5 year old in Burma, where mom bought me this little doctor kit and I just couldn’t wait to get home to play it.  I tore the package open and sat down on the floor by the bed, wearing my favorite matching pink little  t-shirt and shorts. A woman squatted next to me; I think it was my aunt. She helped me put on the stethoscope, looked at me and smiled sweetly. She said something in Burmese or Kachin, I wasn’t sure. But then again, I couldn’t understand what she was saying. Though there is a language barrier between us, I trusted her enough because of the genuine smile she gave me. 

While I was examining the toys, reminiscing the good old times, there was this couple with children next to me, checking out the toys too. My eyes met the father’s gaze and he gave me this “what the hell, you’re too old for these stuffs” kind of look. And I felt awkward and left. I wandered around the store aimlessly for a minute or two and returned to the toy section to see if the family had left. They went already, and I proceeded to continue from where I left off. There was this piece of toy that I am very familiar with; a tiny baby stroller, complete with a doll of a bald baby girl in the package. I had a similar one when I was about 6.

Thirteen years ago, it was a windy Sunday afternoon in Hanoi, and mom, sister, and I were just from church. We went to the toy store and I remember seeing this shiny, plastic, little stroller and a cute, blonde, baby girl doll sitting in it. And just like that, it was love at first sight. I named the doll Suzan. The tiny stroller was red, matching Suzan’s pink little dress. I pushed the stroller out on the street for the first time, with Suzan bouncing on the seat. Man, I remember feeling like the happiest kid in town.

Childhood is the only period of time where you can live a carefree, happy life. The innocence a child has is priceless. The ability of being genuinely happy for the simplest thing in life is a blessing from God to this world. That’s what makes children so clean and immaculate. 

I wouldn’t hesitate to jump in a time capsule, if such a thing existed. Hell, I’d give everything; I’d give up my kidney, huge chunks of my liver, my bone marrow, literally anything to be able to experience such a simple innocent moment once again.

How easy is death?

Yeah, everything; the loved ones, the haters, the ones who don't give a shit, the happiness, and the pain, everything will evaporate in less than a second.

No one knows what goes through the mind of the man who decides to take his own life." He's a coward," they said; "he takes the easy way out," they said. If you're one of those people who say such a thing: Fuck.You.

Guess what?

The man is courageous. It's an adjective that perhaps you will never consider to describe a man who "takes the easy way out".  Do you know how much courage it takes to be able to do something as big as that? Yeah, it does take an awful lot of courage to undergo the physical pain, to let go of the good memories, to leave behind the loved ones. 

He puts everything on the line. He's fully clothed, yet his soul is completely naked; stripped off from the warmth of humanity that he aches so badly. Arms flailing wildly to get a grip on anything solid, but he could find none.

 Take out religion from the equation of life, and perhaps suicide won't lead him to hell. But no, he doesn't have the authority, nor does he have the last words. Whether God exists or not, we'll find out at the end. In the meantime, nobody knows what happen to the man who "takes the easy way out".

The man leaves behind a great deal of blessings, as well as curse; happiness and also pain. Maybe death wasn't his desire. Perhaps freedom was all he asks for. 

Stop judging people you have no idea about. Granted, he made a poor decision. But, no. He did NOT take the easy way out. If it was easy, could you imagine yourself doing it? If not, then who's the coward now?

Legal confinement

     It sounds so pretty in the mouth when it is said but we all know that it is a mere utopian dream. In reality, you can’t just walk away, fly away, or drive away from your current life. If you’re a parent, you have children to feed; if you’re married, you have a vow to fulfill; if you’re a student, you have your parents to please. Whatever your excuse is, you just can’t walk away because some of the decisions we made, do affect us for a life time. However, it is indeed possible to just walk out of your current life. But it takes an awful lot of gut and courage to do that and society will definitely block your way, making sure to crush that dream of yours into pieces. We live in a circle of functions that makes up a structure. And this structure is this thing we call as society. This is how it works; society notices its various tendencies, the ups and downs, and the effects of certain aspects that happen within its circle. Then it forms judgment, concludes which is good and bad, creates rules, and enforces them.  

As a result, we live in a tiny crammed box, in which everyone is brainwashed from the morals and virtues society forces us to adopt. Though the world is vast, we are not aware of the fact that we are imprison.  

You must conform. And if you don’t, you’re out. No more equal treatments for you.  

Society creates the idea of what is right and wrong, of good and bad, of what is normal and abnormal. The thing is, we are all different in many ways and what appears to be “good” to society,  can’t always be perceived the same way to the rest of the people. And by “the rest” I mean the minority, those few individuals, who society might perceive as “different” and therefore “bad”. Each of us is wired intricately by our Creator; we possess a variety of traits and personalities, our minds work at various level of pace, we have different ways of coping, and also different ways of communicating. So being different really is a stupid excuse to label someone negatively.

Go to college, get a degree, get a job, kiss your way up to the top of the corporate ladder, get married, have kids. People see those things as a must. Those are what expected from you. If you lack something from the above statement you’ll be viewed as a failure. There are many other stuffs society demands from us. And we keep on feeding it exactly what it wants by living the kind of life it sees as “proper”. Of course, it’s not a problem for those who are on the same page with society. This is for the people who feel like there is more to life than just living by the standard society sets. 

I remember sitting in a sociology class one morning and the professor threw out a rhetorical question, “are human beings really free?” Unfortunately, he did not answer his own question and proceeded to move on to the next section of the PowerPoint slide. Today, fortunately, a bit of light was shed. It’s from a song called Geboren um frei zu sein by the well-known german rapper, Sido. It’s not really an answer, but it’s a view from his very own perspective, which I think is quite interesting. The title itself is pretty self explanatory; it is translated as ‘born to be free’. 

Wir sind geboren um frei zu sein aber das geht nicht, sagen sie, und dann schließen sie meinen Käfig. Denn dieser Vogel darf nicht fliegen, weil er kein Adler ist. Auch machen was er will und denken was er will darf er nicht.

Roughly translated, the song goes on how, us, being unable to embrace freedom, although it is supposed to be our innate right from the day we were born. It continues with an analogy of a bird being locked up in a cage by society. This particular bird is not allowed to fly, since it is not an eagle, but just a regular one. Thus, it doesn’t contain the sublime power/beauty to be worth enough to fly for freedom.

                                Wenn du wie wir zwei deine Freiheit willst, dann sag es laut! Geh auf die Straße raus. Schreibs auf Plakate rauf. Lass deine Hoffnung nicht zusammen fallen wie ein Kartenhaus. Geh und sag es jedem, wir wollen Spaß am Leben. Wir wollen es jetzt; wir wollen nicht warten bis zum Garten Eden.  Die Welt ist unser, kommt, wir mischen sie auf, denn wir müssen hier raus!

                             This is the part where it gets ironic. It basically says that, if you want to have your own freedom, then say it out loud. Go out to the street, write it on posters, don’t let your hope falls apart like a house of cards. Go and tell everyone that we want to have fun in life. We want it now, we don’t want to have to wait until heaven arrives(until the end of the world). The world is ours and we have to get out of here.

What a fun thing to do, right? If only we can let loose like that without having to receive mean looks, or getting ourselves talked behind our backs. Sure, the song is written figuratively, but it is still a perfect description of how difficult it is for somebody to be himself in a world full of judgment and tacit rules. There are just places where you can do nothing but conform. Hell, in some places, being different can even sometimes get you killed.

                                The truth is, human beings aren’t free. We are bound, subconsciously, by the social forces society create for us. And it takes one hell of a person to have the gut and courage to release himself from such confinement.